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emotions. i now it wont be to the standard of everyone else here

Awoken
I am awoken
The maelstrom of my mind swirls in unseen directions
I feel
tears drying on my face
I feel
My chained heart beats with emotion
I feel
Life flowed past me the tide leaving me behind
I could not move
I am awoken
But it is to late
thanks everyone you have inspired me to write more!

Whoa! Deep man. Very good.
Here’s one of mine: http://ruanacity.com/literature/43-poetry/63-i-am-that-i-am I’d like it very much if you wanted to post some of your work on my site http://ruanacity.com/ The site is pretty new but there are comments and stuff. If you’re interested you can join my facebook group (http://www.facebook.com/pages/ruanacity/135718887774) and post it there on the discussion board and I might post it on my site (I will contact you to ask permission and a photo for your author page)

4 Responses

1. Yvonne N Says:
   February 23rd, 2010 at 6:10 am

   I think it is not bad at all for a first attempt and the emotion of it does come across. However on the technical side….I don’t think the word Awoken exists, maybe just "woken" and then "I have woken". line 9 changes tense and would probably be better as "life flows past me" rather that "life flowed past me". Maybe some punctuation here and there might help, but all in all I like it. The way you have put the words "I feel" on a line on there own is quite inspired, as it gives the impression that you are actually struggling to write your thoughts down. very well done, write more.
   References :

2. Arlanymor Says:
   February 23rd, 2010 at 6:45 am

   I think it,s expressive and very, very good for a first attempt
   References :

3. Ruan Says:
   February 23rd, 2010 at 7:16 am

   Whoa! Deep man. Very good.
   Here’s one of mine: http://ruanacity.com/literature/43-poetry/63-i-am-that-i-am I’d like it very much if you wanted to post some of your work on my site http://ruanacity.com/ The site is pretty new but there are comments and stuff. If you’re interested you can join my facebook group (http://www.facebook.com/pages/ruanacity/135718887774) and post it there on the discussion board and I might post it on my site (I will contact you to ask permission and a photo for your author page)
   References :
   http://ruanacity.com/

4. Herbie Says:
   February 23rd, 2010 at 7:58 am

   Awakened would be the correct word rather than awoken.

   (And cheer up – life gets better later, honestly)
   References :

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