Be Harsh – How Can I Improve This Poem?
Her Whisper
A midday rendezvous with
The creator of earth and bone
Served as his only getaway
From the barks and howls
Of a savage society.
At rest in fields of gold,
He longs for her whisper…
A whisper dissimilar from that of man,
Hers whistles and flutters
Gently across his exterior…
Like words, her whisper goes unseen
But is felt by the world over.
Her whisper places him at peace
And nature in motion.
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Should I replace "places" with "put" in the second to last line? Or is it fine? Which makes more sense? Any other critiques would be helpful.
1. Do not replace places with put.
This poem is okay. Hard to grasp and eccentric. I think you have written on this topic much better. Try writing a couple of poems with this shared theme, and see if you come up with anything a little less flippy.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:02 am
umm…..
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March 5th, 2010 at 9:10 am
pleasing to the ear like tinkling bells or something! good job!
mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ash0y3DYizd_nD2p37SMs1nsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080806071222AAeaVxc
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March 5th, 2010 at 9:49 am
But is felt ( omit ‘by’ ) the world over.
Her whisper ( puts ) him at peace,
( omit ‘and’ )( sets ) nature ( whirling ) in motion.
I suggested ( whirling ) in the last line as it provides a counter point to "whisper" and "peace".
But is felt ( omit ‘by’) the world over.
Her whisper ( places ) him at ( ease ),
( omit ‘and’ ) ( sets ) nature ( whirling ) in motion.
References :
March 5th, 2010 at 9:59 am
1. Do not replace places with put.
This poem is okay. Hard to grasp and eccentric. I think you have written on this topic much better. Try writing a couple of poems with this shared theme, and see if you come up with anything a little less flippy.
References :